Today we are beginning a new 6 week series that I have titled “Our church is …” This is a series on our identity as a church – who we are and who we should be. I have prayerfully chosen six characteristics that should identify us as a church. These are characteristics that will make us a healthy church that will have a great impact on our community.
These six characteristics are:
- Our church is … committed to one another.
- Our church is … authentic.
- Our church is … growing in Christlikeness.
- Our church is … prayerful.
- Our church is … caring.
- Our church is … passionate about reaching lost people for Christ.
A common theme in all of these characteristics is relationships. God has designed us to live in relationship with Him and with others. This is why Jesus summed up the law by saying it consists of “loving God and loving others.”
As the family of God, as a community of believers, our relationships with one another are critical. If our relationships are unhealthy or broken we can’t mature and grow as individuals and as a church and we won’t have an impact on our community. This is why I am beginning this series with this core value: Our church is committed to one another.
It is important for us as a church, as a community of believers to work together in unity – to be committed to one another. A house divided against its self can not stand, right? God has given us a mission and vision and unless we work together, they won’t be accomplished. Then instead of using our church to reach this community God will use another. I believe one of the greatest obstacles to churches growing and reaching others is dissension, discord, fighting and bickering within the church. When churches are not committed to one another (living in unity together) they become a destructive place – one to be avoided not desired.
In Romans 12:10-16a Paul is telling the Roman churches how they should live together – how they should be committed to one another. He said:
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another.”
Paul was telling this church that if they followed his instructions (here and throughout the rest of the book of Romans) they would become such a place of unity and love, that people would flock there. The same goes for us. If we become a place that is characterized by the traits mentioned in this passage, people will be knocking down our doors – we wouldn’t have enough room for them. Wouldn’t you love to be surrounded by people like this? People who are committed to one another through thick and thin. People who are more concerned about others than themselves. People who are easy to get along with – they are peacemakers. Isn’t harmony so much more pleasant than chaos and conflict?
Well this is God’s plan for our church and it is what we should be striving for. This should be our goal. Unity should characterize our church. We need to be a church committed to one another. Now this does not mean that there will be no conflict in our church. The truth is, there will always be people who aren’t striving for such a place. As much as those around them love and care for each other – their lives are full of unhappiness and they just want to share their unhappiness with everyone around them. Conflict happens. It’s one of those unavoidable inevitable facts of life that we need to learn how to deal with in appropriate God honouring ways. And that’s what we’re looking at today – how to deal most effectively with conflict when it happens so that we may remain committed to one another.
Let’s look at some typical approaches people adopt in conflicts or disagreements that are not very constructive at all. There are those people who tend to deal with conflict by avoiding the person they most need to be talking to. Their faulty thinking says “If I can’t see it it’s not there.” or “If I ignore it for long enough it will go away.” So they give their “friend” the silent treatment. They go out of their way to avoid the person.
Another unhelpful way people try in vain to deal with conflict is to run around telling all their friends about the disagreement (dumping all the blame on the other person – of course) in an attempt to get people to take their side. They do this because in their faulty thinking they believe that if the majority of people take their side then they must be right and then the other person will be forced to admit defeat and apologize. This may be a nice way of getting your self off the hook. This may be a nice way of avoiding taking responsibility for yourself by justifying yourself but the problem is you’ve only convinced yourself! God is not so easily convinced!
In fact, He’s made sure that there are strong words in the Bible about this kind of behaviour. The Bible calls this type of behaviour gossip and slander – and they are sins to be avoided. Matthew 15:19 says: “…out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” Colossians 3:8 says: “…rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” James 4:11 says: “…do not slander one another.” There are some pretty bad things mentioned in those verses – murder, sexual immorality, theft – and along side these is slander.
By the way, the Bible says similar things about gossip. Let me give you a definition of gossip. Gossip is talking about anything potentially harmful to another person’s character, unless you’re doing something constructive to help. If you’re talking about someone else’s troubles – you’re either a part of the problem or you are part of the solution.
Now back to conflict. We need to know that conflict is not always a bad thing – actually if it is done in a God honouring way it is a very good thing! In fact we may at some point need to initiate conflict ourselves – for the benefit of another. There at least two times we need to initiate conflict. First, to confront sin. Matthew 18:15-17 says:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
We are given three steps in this process of confronting sin. First, go to the person. If Steve and Paul have an argument, and Steve comes to me and says “Listen Pastor, Paul did this and it really got me angry” You know what I’m going to say to him? “Have you spoken to Paul about this?” Because if you haven’t – that’s where Jesus said you should start.
This is the best way to start. Why? Because there’s no chance of gossip if you go to the person directly involved. There is a greater chance of resolution if you go to the person directly involved. It may have been a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up in a second. Don’t get other’s involved until you’ve followed the first step – go to the person.
If going to the person directly fails then Jesus gives us the next step which is: take someone else. Choose that other person carefully. Make sure they are impartial, wise and a peacemaker. What does this accomplish? If you’ve gone to someone directly, and spoken to them about a problem – they may have been put off, they may have gotten defensive, and a mediator can settle them down and hopefully help them to feel less threatened. The mediator can also act as a witness for you if the other person begins to gossip or slander you.
Lastly they can also correct you if you have misread the other person. It might be us that was wrong. We might have been over-sensitive or only heard half of the conversation. We may have gone directly to the person and said “What you said was wrong – or it upset me” and they respond “I don’t know what you’re talking about – I didn’t say that!” So we take another person with us who can point out that the comment wasn’t directed at you – or that you took it the wrong way. If that happens then you need to be prepared to apologize. There’s always the danger when you go looking for an apology that it might end up coming from you.
The final step is the most drastic: take it to the church. I might add 99.9% of all conflicts can be sorted out by following the first two steps properly. This final step rarely needs to happen – but if you’ve approached the person and they won’t listen, if you’ve taken another person and they still won’t listen – then the leaders of the church might need to help out. The goal is restoring the person – not getting them kicked out!
Believe it or not there are some positive consequences resulting from resolving conflict. One positive consequence is closer relationships – we create more open friendships. Another one is greater maturity, growth as a person – for both of you. And a final positive consequence is invaluable experience – to help others through conflict, and to do it better next time yourself.
So, the first time to initiate conflict is to confront sin. Another time we may need to initiate conflict is to reconcile or restore a broken relationship. Matthew 5:23-24 says:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
Why sort out the relational problem first? Isn’t our gift to God more important? No! We can clearly see in this passage that according to Jesus our broken relationship with our friend is a greater priority than our gift to Him (whatever that may be).
Let me explain why by sharing a story. There is a story about Leonardo da Vinci when he was painting the Last Supper and he had an intense, bitter argument with a fellow painter. Leonardo was so enraged that he decided to paint the face of his enemy into the face of Judas. That way the hated painter’s face would be preserved for ages in the face of the betraying disciple. When Leonardo finished Judas, everyone easily recognized the face of the painter with whom Leonardo quarreled.
Leonardo continued to work on the painting. But as much as he tried, he could not paint the face of Christ. Something was holding him back. Leonardo decided his hatred toward his fellow painter was the problem. So he worked through his hatred by repainting Judas’ face, replacing the image of his fellow painter with another face. Only then was he able to paint Jesus’ face and complete the masterpiece.
You see when we are out of fellowship with others, it’s hard to be in fellowship with God. Remember the Lord’s Prayer – “Forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sinned against us.” We must do everything possible to reconcile broken relationships because it will affect our fellowship with God.
Let’s now look at how we can get ready for conflict. I would like to suggest two simple ways. First, spend time in prayer. Pray for the other person, for the right time and place to talk, that the Holy Spirit would prepare them and give you wisdom. And second, check your own heart for sin and wrong motives. Are you approaching them because you want to point out sin in their lives or do you genuinely want the best for them?
We have looked at times we need to initiate conflict and ways to get ready for conflict. Let’s now look at six ways to navigate the waters of conflict. First, start soon – don’t wait until the problem has escalated. Deal with it at the nearest appropriate opportunity. Second, do it face to face – not over the phone, email, or by letter. There are emotions, intonations, and facial gestures that help us communicate our love, care, acceptance for the other person. The last thing we want when navigating such sensitive waters is miscommunication.
Third, affirm the relationship. Begin by letting the other person know that you’re not doing this because you want to come down on them, but because you care for them – you want the best for them. When you begin affirming the relationship you put them at ease, rather than have them defensive from the start. It prepares them emotionally – so they listen rather than defend. Say to them – “There’s something I need to tell you. It’s not easy for me to say, but I value our friendship and want the best for you.”
Fourth, make observations not accusations. Say “I was offended or hurt by what you said” rather than “You offended me.” Take ownership of your feelings and statements. Accusations put people on the defensive, observations put them at ease. Fifth, get the facts. LISTEN to them, get their side – ask the question “Are my observations correct?” And then be willing to change if you were wrong. Be prepared to apologize if you reacted wrongly.
FINALLY, promote resolution. Don’t just leave it up in the air. (Where do we go from here?) Is there a new understanding of one another? Perhaps I need to be more careful now that I know Steve’s sensitive about a particular topic. Maybe I need to be less touchy. Maybe an apology needs to happen. A good way to end a conflict is by again affirming the relationship, and praying for one another.
Now all conflicts won’t end so easily and some things may never be resolved.
- We’ve all heard of people who haven’t seen a parent or brother or sister or friend for many years – they’ve given up calling because they get abused or hung up on all the time. It happens and we need to remember these words of Paul from Romans 12:18. Paul says: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Let’s break this down bit by bit:
- “If it is possible” – indicates that it may not be.
- “as far as it depends on you” – means that you only have to do your part.
- “live at peace” – this is the goal.
We need to do everything possible on our part to live at peace with everyone – especially our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord.
We need to be doing everything possible that we can to be a church that is committed to one another. We need to be doing everything possible that we can to be a church that is unified. Jesus wanted a church that was characterized by unity. He wanted a church that was committed to one another. He wanted it so much that on the night before He was to be crucified, when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane – this is what He prayed for…. He said in John 17:20-21
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.”
Unity in the church and in the lives of believers is important – it is critical. Jesus said that it will be how the world comes to believe in Him. When we show love for one another in our relationships, in how we deal with conflict – unchurched people see a difference – and there should be a difference.
I want to end with a question and challenge. First, are you willing to commit yourself to do everything possible to live in unity with others in our church? In other words, are you willing to put aside your pride or whatever else may be hindering you from living a committed life to our church family?
My prayer is that we would make this commitment to each other as a church! We need to make this commitment to each other! We need to be a church that is committed to one another!
